"Preliminary reports show that the satellite-- which, at the time, was traveling over the southern United States--exploded due to the incredible volume of bad Michael Jackson jokes being forwarded through our text messaging service," Bertrand said.
"It is our hope that bringing attention to the destruction of this satellite will encourage our valued customers to stop sending these lame-ass jokes to everyone in their contact list."
Pieces of the satellite were found scattered across an area that stretched the length of the entire southern-most portion of the U.S. It is believed that most of the wreckage burned up while re-entering the Earth's atmosphere, bombing much like the jokes that caused the explosion in the first place.
Bertrand added: "I mean, most of these jokes aren't even funny. And they're basically just a variation on the same Michael Jackson jokes that have been going around for years. That joke about boys' pants being at half-mast? That's just the 'boys' pants being half-off' joke that we all heard back in 1999."
"The lack of originality is startling."
NASA scientists were alarmed when TV spokesperson Billy Mays passed away early today, fearing another explosion was imminent.
AT&T was not as concerned. When pressed for comment, Bertrand noted: "Billy Mays, while an omnipresent TV personality, did not have nearly the visibility that Michael Jackson had. Also, he was not rumored to be a pedophile. Those two factors were the main causes of the Michael Jackson satellite explosion."
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