Big Mistake - NASA's Attack on the Moon

The Moon Club meets in an undisclosed cave in Scotland, they have no doorbell, the club's pet wolf bays at the moon while the members chat with their lunar chum. I received a telegram from them today, warning of the dire consequences of slamming a rocket into their friend's face.

Dear Alan

Our tranquility was shattered today. The announcement that NASA has launched a rocket destined to punch our friend, The Moon, in the face, is another example of hubris disguised as science. It's bad enough that some idiot recently suggested using our friend as a trash can for busted sofas and IKEA junk. Now that so-called Space Agency is on the verge of committing an assault on the lunar mug.

And after everything the moon has done for us. Lit our way in the dark, rolled waves in the ocean, there would have been no Beach Boys albums without our natural night light. There would be no astrology columnists, no werewolves, and no Tom Hanks movie about bad luck in an orbiting tin can. She sits up there every night, more loyal than a dog. And how are you going to treat her NASA? - By slamming your stupid little waste of money rocket into her face.

We, in the Moon Club, talk to her, and she's had enough of our wanton arrogance. We can expect disaster within a year of NASA's assault. Maybe tidal waves that will obliterate our cities. Maybe she'll turn out the light, or wobble, sending her old friend the earth into a cataclysmic shake more violent than a blender in a Jamba Juice. Take care mankind. Once you start disfiguring the beauty of planetary bodies, the cosmic Karma will wipe you off the universal pane, like the bloated fly you are.

Does anyone know which MUNI bus goes to Mars? It might be time to leave.

Kick the Balls is out now in paperback in the bookshops. www.alanblack.info